A different way to think about big behaviour.

Big behaviour happens because in that moment, your child doesn’t have the resources or skills to deal with the situation or meet an important need in a more polished way.

Big behaviour doesn’t come from ‘bad’. It comes from ‘unskilled’ (an unskilled attempt to meet a need, to regulate, to be seen) and/or ‘under-resourced’ (given the demands of the moment, and that the rational, calming, clear thinking part of the brain won’t be fully developed until their 20s). 

When a young person’s behaviour is out of control, it’s ‘out of their control’. They don’t have the emotional or physiological resources to deal with the situation in more polished ways. Big behaviour is like an emergency beacon. Think of it as your child sending out a message to let you know, ‘I can’t deal with this right now! I need your help!’ (And yes, the message will often shouty, spicy, full-force, ‘undelicate’, and uncomplicated. It will rarely involve the banning of Christmas.)

Big behaviour is a sign that the thinking part of the brain at the front has shut down and handed over control of the brain to the impulsive, instinctive back of the brain. The back of the brain will get the job done – it will give your young one (or you – we’ve all been there!) the energy and the ‘I don’t care what happens next’ to let everyone know things aren’t okay right now – but geez it can be messy. The back of the brain doesn’t care about niceties. It just wants what it wants, and it doesn’t care about the consequences.

But they know not to do that!

Of course your child or teen knows spicy words aren’t okay. Of course they know big behaviour isn’t okay. This isn’t about not knowing what to do (which is why reminding them in the moment that they shouldn’t hit/ yell/ swear often falls short). It also isn’t about being a bad kid. It’s about the demands of the situation, in the moment, outstripping the skills or emotional or physiological resources they need to deal with the situation with finesse. 

The lack of skills or resources doesn’t make the behaviour okay. Part of the job of growing up is learning how to handle big feelings and situations in ways that don’t cause breakage. This will take time though. In the meantime, we need to recognise that when a child is out of control, their behaviour is ‘out of their  control’. They are being driven by the impulsive, instinctive part of the brain that just wants a result, and doesn’t care how bumpy things get along the way.

Ok. So what’s the shift?

When young people are in the midst of an emotional storm, we need to shift focus away from what we need them to do (manage their behaviour), and on to what we can do to keep everyone safe and bring the situation back to calm. We don’t have an option, because at that moment they don’t have the capacity or the skills to steer the ship back to shore, so we’ll need to take the lead.

This means shifting the focus from their behaviour (what we want them to do), to our behaviour (what we can do to take charge of the situation). The problem with focusing on their behaviour is that we’re putting them in charge of leading themselves out of the situation. They can’t, so we need to manage the situation to bring their nervous systems back to calm and felt safety.

Rather than focusing on what we want them to do, which, in the moment, they can’t control and neither can we, we need to take the lead. This means focusing on what we can control – our behaviour, our capacity to bring them back to calm and felt safety, and our capacity to lead, guide, teach (which can only be done when they are calm).

What if they’re hurting someone, or me?

Whenever big behaviour is ‘bigging’, the priority is to keep everybody safe. This is going to fall to the adult in the room. Rather than asking your young person to do something they don’t have the skills or resources to do right now (such as ‘don’t hit’), we need to take over.

This might sound like, ‘No. I’m not going to let you hurt their body’. Then, we move the child who is hitting, or the child who is being hit, away. We then quickly turn our attention to preserving the connection. ‘I’m right here. We’ll get through this together.’ 

When the storm passes, separate them from their behavior, and make space for repair. ‘You are such a great kid. I know you know it isn’t okay to hit. How can we put this right? Do you need my help with that?’

The questions to ask ourselves to guide the ship to shore.

The questions we need to be asking ourselves are along the lines of:

• ‘How can I keep everyone safe right now?
• ‘What does this child need from me to feel safer, more seen, more cared for right now?’
• ‘How can I respond so this child doesn’t feel threatened, or as though I’m about to disconnect from them, or that they’re about to get into trouble?’ 

When we shift our lens, we widen our capacity to respond.

The key is to recognise that this is not a bad child, but a child whose nervous system isn’t feeling ‘safe’ and calm right now. Everything they are doing is to bring themselves back to regulated. The shouting to be heard, the defiance to assert independence, the tantrum because they aren’t ready to stop playing – these are all valid needs and unskilled, under-resourced attempts to meet them.

The skills and resources (including strong neural ‘self-regulation’ pathways) will come over many years of co-regulation and conversation. Co-regulation builds the neural pathways for self-regulation. The conversation opens up options and choices they can take – eventually.

None of this is about permissive parenting. Absolutely not. It’s about steering the situation through the storm and waiting until you’re on solid, safe ground to teach and talk about different choices and repair.

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I often go into schools to speak to groups of kids or teens about anxiety. I’m always so warmed and overjoyed by their openness when they realise it’s safe for them to speak or ask questions.

This is what happens when we make anxiety safe. When we turn a conversation about anxiety into a conversation about courage, when we normalise anxiety and speak to the human-ness of it, we strip away any shame story or deficiency story and we make it easy for young people to show up, to be brave, to grow and stretch themselves at their edges. We strengthen them. 

The two things I hear most from kids and teens about anxiety.

When I speak to kids or teens about anxiety, there are two things I hear almost every time.

The first is, ‘I thought it was just me.’ Anxiety can be so isolating. This in itself will drive more anxiety about the anxiety, and fuel the deficiency story that can often come with anxiety.

If only every young person could know that anxiety is one of the most human of the human experiences. And it happens to all of us. If only that could happen, they’d feel less alone in their symptoms, less broken because of them, and more comforted by the human-ness of them.

The second thing I hear is, ‘I didn’t know who to talk to.’ My response is, ‘Talk to an adult you trust, because I promise you, at some point in their lives – probably many points, maybe even today – they would have felt the way you do. If that adult isn’t sure what to say, that’s okay – we adults don’t always have the words we need to make sense of things – find another adult. We’re there. And we get it. Sometimes the hardest thing is knowing where to start. If this happens, try, ‘I’d like to talk to you but I don’t know what to say,’ – and let the adult help you find the words that come next.’

We’re all in this. Let them feel the human-ness of their symptoms, so they don’t feel the isolation of them. ‘Anxiety can be tough can’t it. I get it. I’ve felt that way too before. I want you to know it’s a sign that you’re doing something hard – not that you can’t do hard things. How can I help?’

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When anxiety hits, our children will look to us for signs of safety. They’ll be needing to know, ‘Do you think I’m safe?’ ‘Do you think I can do this?’ ‘Do you think I’m brave enough, strong enough, capable enough?’

What we decide, they will follow. They might be achingly unwilling for a while, but eventually, they will follow. If only making the decision wasn’t so entangled, so often, with our own anxiety, their distress, and the smudgy, uncertain line that often comes before brave.

One of the hardest things as a parent can be deciding when to protect our kids and when to support them into brave. For them, brave, hard, new things (scary-safe) will often feel like dangerous things (scary-dangerous). Their anxiety around this will drive anxiety in us. It’s why their brave things will often feel scary for us too.

There’s a good reason for this. As their important adults, we’re designed to feel distress at their distress. This is how we keep them safe. It’s normal, necessary, and the thing that makes us loving, beautiful, available parents. But – it’s also why their anxiety will often drive anxiety in us, and a powerful drive to protect them from whatever is causing their distress.

Their distress will drive distress in us … exactly as it’s meant to.

When our children are truly in danger, their distress (fight or flight) will drive distress (fight or flight) in us to give us the strength, the will, the everything to keep them safe. Fight or flight in them will raise fight or flight in us – to give us the physiological resources to fight for them or flee with them if we need to.

We’re meant to feel distress at their distress – but those distress signals can also run interference on brave behaviour. Anxiety can make safe, brave, important things feel like dangerous things – for them and for us. This is normal and healthy. What matters is our response.

Sometimes making the decision, ‘Do I step back into safety or forward into brave?’ is too much for our kids and teens, so we have to make the decision for them. What we decide, they will follow. 

You will see evidence of this everywhere in your home: Do I need to brush my teeth? Is it okay if I hit? Do I need to be kind? Do I matter? Is my voice important? And the big one to strengthen them against anxiety … Can I feel anxious and do brave? The decision on most of these is an easy ‘yes’. We decide. They follow (eventually).

With anxiety, the line can be blurry. Sometimes your concerns might be valid, in which case their fight or flight (anxiety) will be doing its job. Sometimes though, our enormous drive to protect them isn’t so much about needing to protect them from the situation, but about wanting to protect them from the distress of their anxiety. This is so normal! It’s what makes us loving, responsive parents. It’s also why we have an incredible capacity to respond to their anxiety in ways that can widen the space for brave behaviour to happen.

They will follow our concern, or they will follow our confidence – eventually. It doesn’t matter how long the move towards brave takes. What matters is opening them up to the possibilities for brave behaviour that are already in them, and have been all along. They can feel anxious, and do brave. So can we.

This is why we have to ask the question, ‘Do they feel like this because they’re in danger, or because they’re about to do something brave/ hard/ important?’ ‘Am I reacting to the situation, or to their distress?‘

And what if I feel uncertain?

If you do feel uncertain, what do you need to feel safer?  More information? More conversation? Smaller steps towards brave? If you don’t believe they’re safe – at school, swimming lessons, with the person taking care of them in your absence – they won’t either. Do you need more information or conversation to feel more certain that they are safe?

What information do you need to be able to position yourself to respond the way your young person needs you to – either by protecting them, or by giving plenty of signals of safety so they can feel bigger and safer as they move forward into brave. Until we make the decision, they won’t either.

So I’ve made the decision. This is a time for brave. What now?

If you’ve decided that this is a time for brave behaviour, now they will need you to love and lead. It’s not about one or the other, but both. See their anxiety and make space for it, and also see their brave and make space for that too.

This might sound like, ‘Yeah, this is big isn’t it. It’s okay to be worried. Of course you feel like this! You’re about to do something brave. I know you can do this. If you can’t do (the whole brave thing), what will you do – and don’t say ‘nothing’, because ‘nothing’ isn’t an option.’

The posture to take here is, ‘I believe you, and I believe in you.’ I believe you that this is big for you, and I believe you that you feel worried or scared or threadbare – and I know you can do this. I know it with everything in me.

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Nothing can calm big behaviour and open up learning like relationship. Here’s how it works. As soon as the brain registers threat, the thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) shuts down, and the impulsive, instinctive part of the brain takes over.

The thinking brain is the part of the brain that can calm big feelings, think through consequences, make good decisions, plan, learn, and retrieve learned information. When it’s offline, there is massively reduced capacity to learn, and a greater potential for big behaviour.

‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not safe, but about what the brain perceives. This can come from feeling disconnected from their important adult, fear of humiliation, judgement, not feeling seen, heard, validated, welcome, or cared for, missing out on something important, stress – so many things!

When the brain registers threat, we will potentially see big behaviour and reduced learning because of the shutdown of the thinking brain.

We can direct behaviour support and learning support at this, but first we have to provide ‘felt sense of safety’ support. All the behaviour and learning support won’t be able to do its job if we don’t have access to the thinking brain.

Here’s the key. We have to bring the brain back to felt safety, so the thinking brain can come back on board and work its magic.

The antidote to a felt sense of threat is a felt sense of safety. The most powerful way to bring this is through relationship. Not just any relationship, but one where children feel and believe the caretaking and leadership of their adult. When children feel safe, they will be calm and in the very best position to learn.

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But – if we empathise, we build empathy.

If we show compassion, we build compassion.

If we stay connected, we can lead and teach.

If we stay curious, we learn.

If we stay calm, we show them we can handle all versions of them, and that we are safe to listen to and turn to, always.

Understandably, many adults might be wed to the idea that young people will only learn to do better by having consequences that hurt. This might include punishment, disconnected consequences, or anything that separates physically (time-out) or emotionally (shame, shouty voices, angry faces).

It’s what we were told to do for decades by ‘experts’ and people in the know. But now we can all know better.

It’s also a leftover from the way we were parented. Our childhood experience with these responses means they might feel familiar, but this doesn’t make them ‘right’.

We’ve also been seduced by the way they seem to work. If you punish or separate a child from you, you will get a quiet child back. But a quiet child doesn’t mean a calm child.

Unless their body and brain are truly calm, we don’t have access to the part of the brain necessary for learning.

We also risk our connection, and we can’t lead them if they aren’t connected. They’re no different to us. We’re more likely to take guidance from, and turn to, people we know will be open to us and who make us feel loved no matter what. They might tell us what we’ve done isn’t okay, but they’ll do it lovingly.

We can love and lead at the same time. In fact, it’s the only way if we want them to turn to us instead of the secretive or the forbidden.

So what does that look like?

During the storm it looks like holding the boundary AND attending to relationship. Then after the storm, separating them from their behaviour. 

During: ‘It’s okay to be angry at me (relationship). It’s not okay to use those words (boundary). I want to understand what you need (r) but I won’t listen while you’re yelling (b). I’m right here (r). Do you want me to stay or do you want space?’

After: ‘You’re such a great kid (them). I know you know that wasn’t okay (their behaviour). What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help?’ Then, ‘What might you do differently next time you feel angry/ upset/ frustrated?’ (Tie the response to the feeling.) Or, ‘What might you do next time this happens? (Tie the response to the situation.)’

Separating them from their behaviour is vital to ensuring they grow to be healthy, happy, vibrant adults. Children will take their experiences and how they feel and make them part of their identity.

This is where the ideas behind traditional disciplines fall down terribly. The whole point of traditional responses such as time out, shame, or punishment has been to make children feel bad so that they would do better. We now know that it just doesn’t work that way. The more children feel bad, the more likely they are to make this part of who they are. ‘I feel bad’ becomes ‘I am bad’. The risk is that ultimately, if children feel bad enough, enough times, they will lean into the bravado of bad – the ‘badass-ness’ of being bad. 

Of course as hard as we might try to stay loving and connected, some days it won’t always go this way, and that’s okay. We’re human, with human hearts that feel big and human brains that step out at inconvenient times. Repair the rupture as soon as you can, and know there is also learning for them in our humility, imperfection, and our willingness to own our behaviour.

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Big feelings and big behaviour are a call for us to come closer. They won’t always feel like that, especially if those big feelings come bundled with spicy words or big behaviour, but they are a call to bring us closer. Not ‘closer’ in an intrusive ‘I need you to stop this’ way, but closer in an ‘I’ve got you, I can handle all of you’ kind of way – no judgement, no need for you to be different – I’m just going to make space for this feeling to find its way through.

Our kids and teens are no different to us. When we have feelings that fill us to overloaded, the last thing we need is someone telling us that it’s not the way to behave, or to calm down, or that we’re unbearable when we’re like this. No – that doesn’t work for us, and it doesn’t work for them. What they need is what we all need – a safe place to find their out-breath, and to let the energy connected to that feeling move through them and out of them so they can rest. But how?

What do they need from us?

First, don’t take big feelings personally. Their big feelings aren’t a reflection on you, your parenting, or your child. Big feelings have wisdom contained in them about what’s needed more or less, or what feels intolerable right now. Sometimes it might be as basic as sleep or food. Maybe more power, influence, independence, or connection with you. Maybe there’s too much stress hitting their ceiling and ricocheting off their edges. The time to process that wisdom will come, but first, the energy that’s connected to those big emotions (e-motion, as in ‘energy in motion’) needs to move through them. 

Sometimes they’ll want help. Sometimes they’ll want a hug. If you’re not sure if this is a hug situation or a help situation, it’s always okay to ask. This might sound something like, ‘You’re done with today, aren’t you. Would you like me to sit with you or give you space?’ Or, ‘Would you like to talk about it, or would you like to be distracted from it for a while? I can do either.’ Or, ‘It looks like something is going on for you. You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to, but if you want to, I’m here. There’s nothing you can tell me that I can’t handle.’

And if you get it wrong.

Sometimes, of course, you might make the wrong call. (I’ve done this more times than I care to count!) You might jump into problem-solving, thinking you’re helping, only to see big feelings get bigger. If this happens, acknowledge what’s happened, ‘I think I made a mistake just then. I tried to solve the problem, but I can see you didn’t need me to do that. I’m wondering if what you actually needed was for me to listen. I’m sorry I didn’t do that, but I can do it now. Can we try again?’

Are you responding to what’s happening now? Or way back when?

We also need to make sure we are responding to them in the moment, not a fear or an inherited ‘should’ of our own. These are the messages we swallowed whole at some point. Some common ones are:

• ‘happy kids should never get sad or angry’;
• ‘kids should always behave’;
• ‘I should be able to protect my kids from feeling bad’;
• ‘big feelings are bad feelings’;
• ‘bad behaviour means bad kids, which means bad parents.’

All these shoulds are feisty show ponies that assume more ‘rightness’ than they deserve. They are usually historic, and when we really examine them, they’re also irrelevant.

And finally …

Finally, try not to let the symptoms of big feelings disrupt the connection. When our children have big feelings, our role as their important adults isn’t to change them or their feelings but to guide them gently and lovingly back home to calm. From there, they will be more open to learning, but only if they can rest in our love and leadership.

Of course, we have to be radically kind to ourselves too. Not only are we growing our children, but we’re also growing ourselves – and growing is hard. Some days we’ll be able to give them what they need, and some days we won’t. Both are the responses of loving, committed, wonderful parents. Collisions will happen. What’s important is that after any collision, the repair is deliberate, loving, and honest about our part. When we do this, we model humility, compassion, empathy, and the beautiful imperfection of being human – all of these learnings are also essential for growth – theirs and ours.

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• Brains will first ask, ‘Is my body safe?‘ Am I free from danger, pain, hunger, exhaustion, sensory overload/ underlay.
• Then, ‘Is my heart safe?‘ Am I cared about, loved, welcome? Do I belong? Am I a part of this family, (or group, class)? Am I understood, seen, heard?
• Only when the answer to these is ‘yes’, will it then be ready to ask, ‘What can I learn?’

Safety isn’t about what is actually safe, but about what the brain perceives. Unless a brain feels safe and loved (connected through relationship, welcome in the space), it won’t be as able to learn, plan, regulate, make deliberate decisions, think through consequences.

Young brains (all brains actually) feel safest when they feel connected to, and cared about by, their important adults. This means that for us to have any influence on our kids and teens, we first need to make sure they feel safe and connected to us.

This goes for any adult who wants to lead, guide or teach a young person – parents, teachers, grandparents, coaches. Children or teens can only learn from us if they feel connected to us. They’re no different to us. If we feel as though someone is angry or indifferent with us we’re more focused on that, and what needs to happen to avoid humiliation or judgement, or how to feel loved and connected again, than anything else.

For brains to feel safe, they also need to feel welcome. It’s why for any of us, walking into a room full of people we don’t know can be so daunting. If we know at least one person who can be our go-to, instantly we can feel braver or more okay. For our kids and teens, this isn’t only about making sure they feel welcome, but about making sure their world is welcome – their friends, their interests, and as they get older, their partners.

The truth of it all is that felt safety is key to everything – regulation, relationships, behaviour, learning. The most powerful way to nurture felt safety is through relationship and connection. Connection first, then everything will follow – learning, behaviour, regulation. Connection let’s us do our job – whether that’s the job of parenting, teaching – anything. When the brain feels safe, it can rest and pour any available resources into the things we humans love – learning, playing, discovering, being, and being with.

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When our kids or teens mess up – which they will, because they’re humans, not robots – the way we respond can open them up to our influence or shut them down to it. It can expand the fight and the disconnection, or it can shrink it. 

In time they will learn to be more in control of their urge for fight or flight, but for now, we will need to lead the way. Of course, we are also human, and sometimes despite our biggest efforts to stay calm, we will step into the ring rather than wait for them to step out. We’re human. It’s going to happen. And that’s okay.

What happens to brains and bodies during big feelings. The Science.

During big feelings (for all of us) the brain is hijacked by the impulsive, instinctive amygdala. This is the part of the brain that works hard to keep us safe. When the amygdala registers threat, one of the ways it keeps us safe is by charging the brain and body up with a mix of powerful neurochemicals. These are designed to get our bodies ready to fight the danger or run away from it. But there’s another way this neurochemical surge works to keep us safe.  It charges up big feelings.

Big feelings are one of the ways the brain recruits support. When we’re in big feelings, people notice. Of course, this doesn’t mean we’ll always get the ‘noticing’ that feels lovely but we’re more likely to be seen. Brains are there to keep us safe, and the best way for us humans to stay safe is with the help of other humans. It’s worked well for us up to now. We’ve survived for as long as we have because we’ve banded together in groups and helped each other out, not because we’ve been the fastest, smartest, or strongest. What this means is that being seen in some way, even if it’s not in the most adorable way, is better (safer) than not being seen at all. 

But honestly, the things that can trigger big feelings can be … oh my gosh don’t even start me. What about when big feelings happen over little things.

Just because the amygdala has registered ‘threat’, doesn’t mean there is actually a danger. ‘Threat’ for a protective, strong, healthy amygdala includes anything that comes with any chance at all of humiliation, judgement, separation or disconnection from an important person, exclusion, missing out on something important, or messing up something important. They’re the things that can make us all wobble.

There is no such thing as a ‘little thing’ for the amygdala. They’re smart, powerful, and brilliant, but they can all be a bit dramatic at times. The amygdala is like a smoke alarm. It assumes all smoke is from a blazing fire, even if it’s a ‘just-burnt-toast-nothing-to-worry-about’ kind of smoke.

When the amygdala registers threat, one of the first things it does is shut down the ‘thinking brain’. This is the prefrontal cortex at the front of the brain. It’s the part that can think through consequences, calm big feelings, make deliberate decisions, learn, and think rationally. This is why we can all make ‘not great’ decisions when we’re anxious, angry, sad, or why big feelings might come with spicy words or behaviour.

When children or teens are in big feelings, it’s impossible to guide, lead or teach them. Lecturing, preaching, and sending them for time out to think about what they’ve done is useless because the part of the brain that can actually think or learn isn’t available. 

The first thing we have to do then is bring the brain back to safety. This will calm the amygdala and bring the thinking brain on board. Then, we have influence. But how? Through validation.

How it works.

Validation says to the amygdala – ‘I see you, I’m here, and you can step down now. I can take it from here.’ This will help the amygdala feel safe enough to let go of the wheel, and make way for the thinking brain to come back.

The power of validation lies in its capacity to bring us close enough to reach our kids and teens when they need us most. It lets us guide them from inside the relationship, in that precious space that exists when they feel understood – not just heard, but truly and deeply understood by you.

Children and teens will never have a greater felt sense of safety than when they are feeling close to you. This means the thinking brain will never be more available for learning, leading, influencing, and guiding. 

Validation doesn’t mean we agree with them. It means we feel with them.

Validation doesn’t mean you agree with them, and it doesn’t mean you approve of their behaviour. It means you see the world or the situation as they see it right now, without judgement or a need to fix it.

It’s a way of letting them know that we can see how they feel or the need behind how they feel, and we don’t need to change it. It says, ‘I see there is something happening here that doesn’t feel okay.’ It makes our intent clear, and our intent is to see them, hear them, and be with them. This might sound something like:

• ‘I get that your angry with me right now. You feel as though I’ve stopped you from doing something that is important to you. It’s okay to be angry. I’d be angry too.’ Or,
• ‘No wonder you’re upset. That really sucks.’ Or, 
• ‘It sounds as though you’re worried I’m going to get in your way. I can see this is important to you. I really want to understand. Can you help me?’ 
• It can also look like nodding, facial expressions that let them know you’re with them, or vocal bursts (uh-huh, mm-hmm,).
• Sometimes it might look like sitting cross-legged on the floor with them for a while, because their day came with spikes, and it’s softer and quieter down there. 

Remember though, whatever words you use, your words will often be the thing the hear the least. Validation happens most powerfully through non-verbals, so it’s important that your nonverbal communicate your intent, which is to be with them, to understand them, and not to judge, shame, or abandon them.

Your posture matters. Is it warm and open, or ‘big’, or closed off? The tone of your voice and your facial expressions matter. Do they clearly communicate your intent, or are they too neutral and open to misinterpretation?

Sometimes words can get in the way. Think of what you might need if you were telling a friend about something big that happened to you. You don’t need your friend to tell you she sees how upset you are. Of course, that might be lovely, but it isn’t the only thing. What you are looking for is, ‘Do you get me? Do you get why I’m upset? Do you see me? Do you feel me?’ We see the answer in faces before anything else.

When you don’t have the words, or when the words seem to annoy them, just feel what they’re feeling. You don’t have to do more than that. Receive their faces. Whenever you can, look through the behaviour and the words and receive their faces. Receive their fear, their sadness, their frustration, their anger, their loneliness, and just hold it in you for a moment so they can feel you with them. 

Let them feel your heart and mind open, and your arms extended in invitation as you widen the space for them and everything that comes with them in that moment. The message is, ‘I can handle you, and everything that comes with you’.

Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. If there is a need to chat about behaviour, there will be a time for that, but in the midst of big feelings is that not that time.

Validating them, or their feelings, or their needs, doesn’t mean they will instantly calm and see things your way, but ultimately it will strengthen your connection and your influence. It’s about helping them feel understood, even when things (or they) get messy. If they feel understood by us, it opens the way for them to trust us when we say, ‘I know you can do this,’ or, ‘Let’s talk about what you might do differently next time?’, or, ‘You can come to me about anything.’

In the moment, it’s less about what you do, and more about who you are.

When feelings are on fire, and behaviour is big, we don’t have to ‘fix’ those feelings. Of course, when our children are in pain, the drive to do ‘something’ to fix that pain might feel seismic, but we don’t need to fix them. They aren’t broken. They want what we all want when the world feels too big – to feel safe, seen and heard. 

When kids or teens have big feelings, what they need more than anything is our strong, safe, loving presence. In those moments, it’s less about what we do in response to those big feelings, and more about who we are. Think of this as being an anchor for their distressed nervous system. An anchor doesn’t try to fix anything. It doesn’t have an agenda and it doesn’t add to the turbulence. It just holds things strong and steady, all the while having enough ‘give’, between itself and the boat to be able to adapt to the conditions.

Every time we meet them where they are, with a calm loving presence, we help those big feelings back to small enough. We help them carry the emotional load and build the emotional (neural) muscle for them to eventually be able to do it on their own. We strengthen the neural pathways between big feelings and calm, over and over, until that pathway is so clear and so strong, that they can walk it on their own.

And when they’re behaviour is big …

Of course, this doesn’t mean giving them a free pass on ‘unadorable’ behaviour. Be firm on the behaviour, gentle on the relationship. Flag the behaviour if you need to: ‘I know you are angry with me. Angry is okay. Those words aren’t.’ Then, move quickly to the relationship. This can look like acknowledging the feeling, the need behind the feeling, or being with them without needing them to be different for a while (‘I’m right here.’)

What it means is letting them know that we see them and that we understand there is something important they need. When things are calm, they will be much more open to exploring their decisions, their behaviour, the consequences of that, and what they can do differently in the future.

When they are calm and connected to us, then we can have the conversations that are growthful for them – ‘Can you help me understand what happened?’ ‘What can help you do this differently next time?’ ‘You’re a really great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. How can you put things right? Do you need my help to do that?’ 

How validation brings them closer and builds our influence. 

The need to feel safe is primal. We’re wired to fight or flee anything that presents itself as a threat – and shame, punishment, judgement, exclusion, and humiliation all count as ‘threat’, even if they come with loads of loving intent. When we validate what our children are feeling, or the need they are trying to meet through their behaviour, we take away their need to fight us or flee (ignore) us.

If we want them to be open to our influence, we first need to calm their active amygdala by sending the message that we aren’t a threat and that we can handle whatever is happening. We mightn’t like it, but we can handle it. 

When we do this, it sends a message to the protective, powerful, emotional amygdala that it’s safe and that it can back down. This will start to switch off the need to fight us or flee (ignore) us and open them up to our influence, support, warmth and guidance.

And finally …

It’s not our job to fix their feelings, but to hold their distress with tender, safe, loving hands, until those feelings are small enough again. We do this by meeting them where they are, without needing them to be different. We bring a strong, safe, loving presence. We see them. We breathe. We validate. We stay with. And we wait for the feelings to calm. Then, we hand those back in a way they can talk about, learn about, listen to, and grow from. And we don’t need to do more than that.

Validation lets us do the work from within the relationship. It’s from here that we will have the most influence, and be most able to understand, redirect, or talk about what needs to happen next. It lets us connect with them, which is necessary if we want to lead them.

Don’t underestimate the power of you. It won’t always be obvious, and you won’t always be thanked for it, but your presence has a profound capacity to help them feel safe, seen and soothed. Sometimes, for certain, it will be everything.

The post Validation – How to Bring Calm, Connection, and Influence to Big Feelings appeared first on Hey Sigmund.

Here’s how it works …

Brains are here to keep us safe before anything else – before learning, connecting, and behaving deliberately. When the brain registers threat, the amygdala (the seat of anxiety in the brain) takes over. Everything becomes about survival, safety and what’s happening right now. The ‘thinking brain’ – the part of the brain that can make deliberate decisions about how to behave, think through consequences, problem solve, and retrieve learned information (like ‘what to do when I feel angry’) – is shut down. The amygdala is in charge, and its goal is to organise the body for fight or flight. It does this brilliantly, even if unnecessarily sometimes.

The important thing to remember is that ‘threat’ isn’t about what is actually dangerous, but about what the brain perceives. This can happen from real threats or perceived threats – the brain will respond the same way to both. All sorts of things can trigger even the healthiest, strongest brains to register threat, including stress, worrying thoughts, too much noise (or anything that pushes against their sensory needs), feeling disconnected or separated from their important people, feeling tired, hungry or being asked just a little more of than they can give in that particular moment. This can happen to any of us. We can all act in ways that aren’t so adorable when important needs or feelings get too big.

When anxiety is driving behaviour, it’s important to treat the behaviour as anxiety rather than bad behaviour. Any shame kids might feel for their behaviour will only drive their anxiety harder – they want to do the right thing and they don’t want to disappoint you.

Rather than, ‘How do I make you stop?’, try this …

When children or teens are anxious, their behaviour might be messy and confusing and wildly maddening, but that behaviour will never be about a bad child. It will be about a well-intended, good-hearted child who is being driven by something we can’t see – a need, feeling, thought, or other internal experience.

Too often, when our kids do things that aren’t at all ‘lovely’ we are quick to judge – either them, ourselves, or both. The truth of it all is that as much as our kids need boundaries, they (and we) need compassion and space to find clarity.

The question for us is not so much, ‘How do I make you stop?‘ but, ‘What are you telling me right now – about what you think, what you feel, and what you need?’

All behaviour is driven by a need, and if we can look at their behaviour with curiosity (and I know how hard this can be sometimes!) we can discover the blind spots that can reveal the need. The need might be connection, attention, stillness, food, a sleep, a cuddle, space, a little power and influence (especially if they’ve been following rules all day at school) – all valid.

For sure we might be furious or baffled by what they’re doing, but if we could understand everything going on for them it would make sense. It doesn’t make their behaviour okay, but it will make it easier for us to not take it personally, and to give them the patience and support they need in the moment and afterwards.

What do they need from us?

When the brain has registered threat, more than anything it needs to be brought back to a felt sense of safety. We can do this by ‘dropping the anchor’ and being a calm, steady presence with them while the emotional storm passes. 

Breathe, and be with. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed – they aren’t broken. They will want what we all want – to feel seen, heard, and safe. 

What do I do when their anger is big?

While the storm is happening, preserve the connection with them as much as you can by validating what you see and letting them know you’re there. Validation doesn’t mean you agree with them. It means letting them know you understand what they are feeling, and that their feelings are valid given the way they are seeing and experiencing the world right now. The most important part of this is your nonverbals. Feel what they feel, and you don’t need to do more than that. They’ll feel you with them. Let them feel this with your posture, your facial expressions, and the way you move your body.

Sometimes words will help, ‘I can see this is big for you,’ and sometimes they won’t. If they aren’t helping, let the words go and just feel what your child is feeling. They will feel you ‘getting them’. Touch their hand or back if they are open to that, and soften your eyes and your face.

As much as you can, make your intent clear. Neutral faces, neutral voices, or ignoring their big behaviour has the potential to register bigger threat in an already upset amygdala if your intent isn’t clear. The brain is constantly searching for signs of safety and signs of danger. It will look to your face first and it will be asking, ‘Are you going to ignore me/ get mad at me/ walk away from me/ help me/ patronise me/ be here for me/ understand me?’

To help send out those signs of safety the brain is craving, try, ‘I know if I could understand everything that’s going on for you right now what you’re doing would make sense. Can you help me understand?’ They might not be able to explain if they are in big feelings, but ride the wave with them until the emotion eases and then talk. Let go of any need to move them through it. If they sense that you have an ‘agenda’ (such as to stop their big feelings), they might start to feel your impatience and this can add to their distress. Breathe and be with. Their big feelings won’t hurt them. It’s feeling alone in big feelings that hurts. 

And what about consequences for big behaviour?

This doesn’t mean ‘no boundaries’. It means there are lessons for them to learn, and it’s okay if it takes time for them to learn them. These lessons will happen in a more enduring, meaningful way if there is a safe space for conversation, gentle expectations, and the influence of a loving adult to guide the way.

As the important big people in their lives, our challenge is to avoid taking their behaviour personally. This can be so hard – but it’s so important – but so hard! If we can do this, we can then approach them with curious eyes, an open mind, and an open heart. We can bring ourselves closer to them and that precious space beside them, inside their world. 

Rather than thinking of it in terms of, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, try, ‘What support do they need to do better?’

Sometimes the most growthful experiences will be the reflective conversations with you. These conversations can only happen though when their brains and bodies come back to calm. This is when their ‘thinking brain’ will be back online and they will have a greater capacity to explore what’s happened with you. The conversation might sound like,

• ‘What happened?’
• ‘What might you do differently next time?’
• ‘What did I do that helped/ didn’t help?’
• ‘You’re such a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’

But it won’t always be easy.

Their anxiety will trigger ours, (especially if it’s the fight part of fight or flight). Sometimes we will be able to stay calm and sometimes we won’t, and that’s okay. This isn’t about perfect parenting – kids don’t need that. What they need is parents who are good enough.

Every time we can see their behaviour for what it is, stay calm and steady until the storm passes, and preserve our connection with them, we will be filling their ‘resilience cup’ and preserving our capacity to influence different behaviour next time. We will also be strengthening the neural pathways they need to find calm during anxiety or big feelings.

This isn’t intended to give them a free pass. They still need to know where the limits are, and they still need to feel the edges of those limits, but it’s important to do this gently and by giving them the information and strategies they need to make better choices. They want to do the right thing, but as with all of us, sometimes this can take a little wisdom and a lot of practice.

And finally …

Our kids and teens are no different to us. We all do things that dull our shine sometimes. We don’t do these things because we’re bad. We do them most often because we’re feeling bad. When this happens, we don’t need judgement. What we (and they) need is space to find calm and clarity. As their important big person, the space you create in your connection with them is the most healing, calming, insight-making space of all.

A young brain will respond to needs, thoughts and feelings in primitive, instinctive ways until it learns a new way. This might take time, but we have plenty of it – years actually. There are no shortcuts and there is no hurry. And don’t worry about what the rest of the world might be thinking when the bumps get bumpy – (which they often do, in public). You have been charged with the privileged role of building a small human into an adult, and you can take all the time you need.

Our job as parents and the important adults in their lives isn’t to ‘make’ our children behave, but to give them the space, gentle expectations, patience, love and influence to guide them so that they can learn how to do this (behave) for themselves. As their important adult, the space you create in your connection with them is the most healing, calming, insight-making space of all. They have the right to get it wrong as many times as it takes. They will need different things, at different times, in different ways – and there is no express lane. This is why it is a magnificent adventure for all of us. 

The post The Connection Between Anxiety and Anger appeared first on Hey Sigmund.

It will take time for them to learn how to get what they want in ways that don’t cause breakage. In the meantime, they’ll need plenty of guidance. The best guidance will come from you because nobody will care more about where they land than you. They know that, but they also know they don’t ever want to disappoint you. As the important adults in their lives, the challenge is to hold the boundaries strong, but with tender hands. We want them to know where the boundaries are, but also that when those boundaries are broken (and they will be, plenty of times) that we’re safe to turn to – even through the messiest of the messes. 

Imagine this …

Your strong, beautiful 16 year old knows how much you love her, and she adores you right back. She never wants to disappoint you because she’s learned how lonely that feels. She knows the rules and how upset you get with her when the rules are broken. You’ve always been strict like that. She also knows that there’s no point in arguing about the rules. It just makes you angry, and it never makes a difference anyway.

She wants to make you happy, but as with all teens, she also wants to feel her independence and a strong sense of belonging to her tribe. Sometimes she can have all three no problem at all, and sometimes, one has to give.

Now imagine that there is a party happening on the weekend. She knows you have strict rules around her going to parties with alcohol, but everyone is going. As with all teens, she understands that sometimes your rules are there to protect her – wear a seatbelt, use sunscreen. Then there are other rules – the ones that seem to stomp on her personal freedoms and fail to recognise that she’s older and more able to take care of herself now. Teens are much more likely to follow the rules when they believe those rules are about their safety and welfare and less likely to follow the rules when they think they relate to their personal choices. So here’s the problem – you see rules about parties and alcohol to be about safety and welfare. She sees it to be about personal choices. 

She doesn’t want to defy you, but she knows you won’t understand how important this party is to her. She talks to her friends about her dilemma because they ‘get her’, so much more than you. Together, they come up with a plan. She tells you she’s going for a ‘sleepover’. She justifies her decision on the basis that it’s not her fault if you don’t trust her – she’s not a baby anymore, and she deserves your trust. If you don’t give it, she’ll take it.

So she goes to the party, and she drinks. At the end of the night, the only way she and her friends can get back to where they’re spending the night is to be driven there by a drunk driver. If she calls you, you’ll know she’s been drinking and that she lied about the sleepover. She knows how angry you’ll be at her, and she knows the consequences will be big. So will she call you, or will she take her chances with a drunk driver?

How do we let them know we’re safe to come to no matter what?

From when they’re little, our children are learning whether or not we can handle the worst of them. Of course, we can handle all versions of them, but even the most loving, available parent can send messages that say otherwise. They’ll take more meaning from what we do than what we say.

We can’t teach them that they can come to us with the big things, we have to show them. Here are some ways to do that:

1. It starts with the small things.

When they’re littles, their decisions won’t land them in too much trouble – the shoes that got lost at the park, the iPad that broke ‘and I promise I was holding it very carefully and we were only jumping very small jumps and then it fell by itself.’ Every time something goes wrong, it’s an opportunity for us to show them that we will always love them even if their behaviour is questionable. We might judge their behaviour, ‘Do you think it was a good idea to take the iPad onto the trampoline? It’s hard to be careful with an iPad on a trampoline, isn’t it? What can you do differently next time? I know you didn’t mean for the iPad to break, but it did, and now we need to pay to get it fixed. How can you help with that?) but we’ll never shame them, ‘How could you be so stupid?! What’s wrong with you?!’. Eventually, they’ll be looking for guidance about the big things – drinking, what to do when everyone else is smoking weed, their new relationship, contraception, sex, the boss/teacher/coach who feels bad to be around. Whether they turn to us, google, or their friends for guidance will be entirely up to them. If we can’t handle conversations about the little things, they’re not going to trust us with big things.

2. Give them proof that you can handle anything.

When my children were younger, we had a rule that when I picked them up from school, they could tell me anything, and we’d stop talking about it as soon as we drove into the driveway if they wanted. Nothing was off-limits. Most of the time we’d just chat about their day, but sometimes the chat would be bigger. Occasionally they’d bring something up in the minute before we got home. This was a safe way for them to open the door on a topic without having to worry about the chat going for longer or deeper than they were ready for. I’ll be honest, sometimes it killed me to stop the conversation when the garage door went down, but every single time they left the door ajar on an issue, they’d come back to me to talk about it more when they were ready. 

3. But it’s never too late to start.

If past conversations have given them a good reason to expect tough chats to be a no-go, that’s okay, let them know how it’s going to be different. ‘I can see how in the past I might have given you the idea that it’s not easy to talk to me about some things. I think I’ve made it harder for you to come to be because in the past I’ve […]. I want you to know that I’m going to do things differently. I know it might take time for you to trust that. If there’s anything I can do to make it easier for you to come to me when you need to, I’d really love you to tell me. Otherwise, you can leave this to me. I know what I can do differently, and I’m going to work on that.’

4. Let them argue, disagree, and speak their mind.

We want them to know that we can handle whatever they’re thinking or feeling, even if we disagree. Arguments are a sign that everyone is getting their say, even if the final answer isn’t one they want. When kids and teens argue, they’re communicating. The need won’t always be obvious, but it will always be valid. When littles argue because it’s spaghetti for dinner and ‘I hate spaghetti so much’ (even though last week and the 5 years before last week, spaghetti was their favourite), they might be expressing a need for sleep, power and influence, or independence. All are valid. When your teen argues because they want to do something you’ve said ‘no’ to, the need might be to preserve their felt sense of inclusion with their tribe or their independence from you. Again, all valid. Of course, a valid need doesn’t mean it will always be met. What’s important is letting them know we hear them, and we get it. Our response to those arguments will teach them whether we’re open to listening or not. If we demand agreement, we inadvertently teach them that their voice doesn’t matter and that they can’t trust their judgement. This is a dangerous game. As they get older, there will always be someone who will try to make them question their judgement or their boundaries. We want them to know their own mind and be brave enough to use it, but they’ll test this with us first. The more space we give them to do this, the more they’ll be able to access their strong, brave, beautiful minds when they need to and when we aren’t there.

5. It’s not what they say, but how they say it.

The challenge for them is to learn to use their voice respectfully. It’s going to take time for kids to learn this. In the meantime, the words might be clumsy, loud, angry, or swollen with big feelings. This is when we need to hold on to ourselves, meet them where they are, let them know we hear them, and step into our leadership presence. ‘I want to understand what you need, and I can’t hear you when you’re speaking to me like that. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about it without shouting. I’ll be right here. There’s no hurry.’

6. When their needs and your needs seem incompatible, let them own the problem with you.

If they’re asking for something, there will be a valid need behind it. If you’re saying ‘no’, there will also be a valid need behind that. We risk driving secrecy or more resistance than we need to if we say ‘no’ without letting them know we hear them. We can soften this by inviting them to own the problem. This might sound like, ‘I can see how important this is for you. You really want to be with your friends, but I need to know you’re safe. How can we both get what we need?’ After listening to them, you might change your mind, or you might not. Ultimately the decision is yours, but making sure they feel heard will show them that their needs, feelings, and opinions matter to you. The best way to be heard is to let them know that you’re listening. ‘I know how important it is for you to be with your friends, and that’s important to me too, but being with them at this party doesn’t feel safe to me. We’ve both tried hard to find a way around this, but we haven’t found one. My decision is ‘no’.’

7. Rather than telling them that they’re wrong, be curious about why they think they’re right.

It can be so tempting, and it can feel so ‘right’ sometimes to tell our kiddos that they’re wrong. Sometimes they will be exactly and entirely that – wrong. Here’s the rub though. Telling people they are wrong tends to drive defensiveness. Nobody wants to feel like an idiot. Conversations around right and wrong often widen the distance between two people, at least for a while, as each person stands their ground and argues harder to be heard and understood.

On the other hand, working to understand why our kiddos think they might be right fattens the context and story and drives understanding and connection. It also gives the crucial message that their views and opinions matter. This will become more important as they become more vulnerable to being steered off track by peers. We want to raise our young humans into big ones who know their own minds, even if this can make parenting them wildly tough at times. None of this means you’ll agree with them. Often you won’t, and that’s okay. They won’t agree with you either, and modelling tolerance for other points of view is important. They will be more likely to open up to our ideas and influence when they feel our willingness to understand their point of view. Whatever the rightness or wrongness of something is, our capacity to influence and guide them is magnified when they can trust that we can see what they see. Whether or not we agree is irrelevant. First though, we’ll need them to show us that view through that lens of theirs: ‘What is it that makes you think that?’ ‘Where did that idea come from?’ ‘What did you tell yourself to make it seem like a good idea?’ ‘What do you think will happen if you do that?’ ‘Can you help me understand why that was important to you?’ Curiosity has a lovely way of keeping hearts, mouths, and minds open.

8. Don’t punish honesty – even if it’s messy.

There will be times they get things terribly wrong. The way we respond to these things will teach them whether they’re safe coming to us no matter what or whether they’re safer finding their own way out of trouble. Even when things are a mess, if they’ve been honest and open with you, let them know that matters. ‘I love that you’ve told me the truth. That’s really brave. What have you learned?’ This is a hard conversation for them. As long as they’ve owned their behaviour and learned from it, this might be the only consequence needed. The behaviour is one problem, the lie is a bigger one. Let there be consequences for lies, not for being honest about bad decisions. Let the message be, ‘There’s nothing you do or say that I can’t handle. But just don’t lie to me.’

9. Start by trusting them, and let it be theirs to lose. 

Start from the assumption that they are trustworthy and want to do the right thing. Children who feel as though they have nothing to lose will act as though they have nothing to lose. For sure, there needs to also be boundaries, and there will be times when our trust needs to be re-earned, but let this be when the reasons make sense – when the trust has been given, then broken. When our trust feels impossible or too conditional, they will let go of the chase. Chasing something that never comes closer is exhausting and maddening.

So what do we do when they get it wrong?

If your child has disappointed you, they know it. If you can be a warm, steady presence, they’re more likely to open up to your influence, your wisdom, and exploring their behaviour. Discipline isn’t about what we force upon them but about what we nurture within them. For this, we need influence, and we can only have this when they have a felt sense of calm and safety. If consequences are about encouraging better behaviour, then the best consequence is a conversation where they can explore what’s happened and learn from that.

And finally …

We will always have more influence when we go for connection over control. By adolescence, we have no control anyway. We have the illusion of control, but whether or not we have any real influence will be up to them. The temptation to control our children will always come from a place of love. Fear will likely have a heavy hand in there too. When they fall, we’ll feel it. Sometimes it will feel like an ache in our core. Sometimes it will feel like failure or guilt, or anger. We might wish we could have stopped them, pushed a little harder, warned a little bigger, stood a little closer. We’re parents and were human and it’s what this parenting thing does. It makes fear and anxiety billow around us like liquid smoke, too easily.

Remember, they want you to be proud of them, and they want to do the right thing. When they feel your curiosity over judgement, and the safety of you over shame, it will be easier for them to open up to you. Nobody will guide them better than you because nobody will care more about where they land. They know this, but the magic happens when they also know that you are safe and that you will hold them, their needs, their opinions and feelings with strong, gentle, loving hands, no matter what.

The post ‘Can I talk to you?’ – How to Be the One They Come to When Things Feel Big appeared first on Hey Sigmund.